Friday, February 11, 2005


Rainbow Connection sample #4

Lent came early this year, so we've been a little remiss at updating.
The Maestro himself has written
some pieces that are often used during Lent and so we wanted to update
Change Our Hearts to make it a better fit for The
Rainbow Connection

Change the rules this time.
They don't seem right to me.
Change the world this time
Like we want it to be.
We are the people who do just what we choose.
Lord, this time change the rules.

We live our lives to follow our own dreams,
Wherever they take us is where we must go.
We demand acceptance from everyone we meet,
And we'll use whips and chains to get our way!

Lent is a time when many are sad
'Cause they have to suffer through V-Day alone
And it means there's nearly another whole year
'Til Carnival or 'til Mardi Gras.

Monday, February 07, 2005



We've been asked "Why so much orange? That isn't a liturgical color."

That's really one of the reasons that orange is the color of Postmodern Liturgy. It shows us that the received tradition is incomplete. We want the whole rainbow (and then some) to be represented. Many of us advocate the use of Blue in Advent and of Earth Tones in Lent. Orange shows us as separate and unique.

Orange also is the color of some who seek to change the church, if not in exactly the same way as us, but it is a mark of "otherness".

Lastly, the template came that way and we're just not that techy.

Monday, January 24, 2005


A New Hope

This past weekend, some of us were out of town visiting friends and relatives in a conservative diocese. Of course we were apprehensive about how things would go. We’re glad to report that postmodern liturgy is alive and well even in one of the US’ most benighted -- er -- conservative dioceses!

The church itself was conveniently nestled in next to a McDonalds and a gas station. The entryway was abuzz with activity complete with the priest mingling as we arrived. He was young enough (40ish) to make us nervous that he might be a “young fogey” like this, this, or even one of them. As you’ll see, our fears were wholly unfounded.

We passed a tiled Jacuzzi to enter into an octagonal room. The altar table was on a platform in the middle of the room. A mixture of pews and chairs surrounded it on seven of the eight sides, with a dark credence table on the eighth side. The tabernacle cupboard was unobstrusively tucked away behind a seating section. Near the altar was a large wooden outline of a cross and, in front of that, a terra-cotta figure of a rather androgynous person with arms outstretched. It was neither a traditional crucifix nor a “resurrexifix”, but more like a figure doing calisthenics (spiritual exercises?) while standing in front of a cross. Other than this, the room was nearly Spartan in its simplicity. There were a few small stained glass windows, but they depicted only splotches of color. The Stations of the Cross were sufficiently small, dark and abstract that we couldn’t tell which was which even from only about 20 feet away. Fittingly there were no visible images of saints or angels.

The room filled up quickly with young and old alike. An older womyn came to the center of the sanctuary before Mass and asked for six more Eucharistic ministers to join her in the gathering space as there apparently weren’t enough of them. The gathering song was a song none of us had ever encountered before. It was suitably folksy, vague and repetitive.

Father’s opening remarks made it clear that the second reading (Paul calling the Corinthians to task for divisions among themselves) would be the principal focus of his remarks today. In the introduction to the Kyrie, we were charged to repent for our “feelings of superiority to people of other religions”. During the few moments of quiet, we could hear the Jacuzzi burbling away.

Father drew on the “divisions” theme of the second reading to denounce several attitudes and actions. He vilified parish staff for differentiating in conversation between the children who attend the parish school and those who don’t. He said that we shouldn’t look to what distinguishes our religion from others, but that the most profound components of religion were those shared by all religions – even polytheistic and pantheistic religions. To provide a counterexample of the importance of looking at commonalities, he mentioned that Moslems believe not in Heaven and Hell, but in Heaven and Purgatory which he concluded was “more sane” than the traditional belief in eternal damnation.

The date was January 22 – the anniversary of Roe v. Wade – so we were worried that Father might say something impolitic about Choice. His one reference to the topic was in conjunction with the terrorism angle: “If you call someone an Islamic terrorist, then you should call all those folks who blow up abortion clinics Christian terrorists”. Good – at least he recognized the real problem! He also said that, by the standards we use to label others as “Islamic terrorists” or “Jewish terrorists”, Tim McVeigh was a Christian terrorist. We started getting nervous again – this time that Mass might not end promptly, as the homily was well past twenty minutes with no sign of slowing down.

In the most surprising twist, Father contended that Jesus himself displayed a non-proselytizing attitude by waiting until after John the Baptist was arrested before beginning his own public ministry and thus set the example for us to avoid proselytization. He concluded that we should all seek to learn as much as we can from non-Christian religions.

During the preparation of the gifts, we started to appreciate the need for so many Eucharistic ministers as there were a dozen crystal goblets on the altar. Our worries about timeliness were also misplaced as Father (who must have once trained as an auctioneer) got through the Eucharistic prayer with impressive dispatch. At the consecration it looked like he was holding an Eggo waffle aloft (we later saw that it was just an oddly shaped whole-wheat pita). A few oldsters knelt after the Agnus Dei, but more people sat and some stood. We enjoyed a song by the master himself during communion. The twenty or so Eucharistic ministers were distinguished from the rest of the laity as they wore large enamel pectoral crosses. The irony of this “division” among the congregation was palpable. After communion, the clanking of the many enamel crosses on the credence table momentarily drowned out the burbling of the Jacuzzi. A symbol of the eschatalogical cessation of all divisions, perhaps?

The dismissal led into a rousing rendition of “We Are Called”. However we thought that “As a Fire is Meant for Burning” would have been more fitting. On the way out, we noticed a sign above a door marking the “reconciliation center”. Our joy was thus made very nearly full -- sad to say that the Jacuzzi had not yet been enhanced with a blue stone toad.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


You Alone Can Make Me Feel So Right . . .

Recently some of us took in the new film version of Phantom of the Opera. While it’s surprising that Postmodern Liturgists would voluntarily listen to that much organ music, the film did give rise to a few thoughts pertinent to this venture. (Not least of which is that we’re glad the film did its part to lower the public’s expectations of what expert singers should sound like!)

We’re often criticized for promoting music that merely imitates popular music from the sixties and seventies. Perhaps we’d do better to use actual popular music that’s somewhat newer. The consensus was that we’d do best to use “Music of the Night” both for its theme and its applicability in evening settings such as anticipated Mass or where the readings, such as those from the Johannine books, contrast light and darkness.

Just one quick excerpt, the rest can be found here:

Softly, deftly
Music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it
Secretly possess you
Open up your mind
Let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night

Please note that the lyrics were provided at the National Institutes of Health for use in children’s sing-alongs. Check out why they have the lyrics:

NIEHS has limited space and does not plan to include additional requests unless room becomes available and the song requested:
is appropriate for small children;
has a children's theme and/or an educational message;
is upbeat, inspirational, or motivational;
relates to the environment, health, science, or other educational subjects.
is familiar to various age groups and easy to sing.
is widely available elsewhere on the internet in both midi and lyrics formats.

(Above is an excerpt from this page.)

If the federal government can use this song for these purposes, certainly the church can put this song to use too! It’s at least as appropriate for use in church as it is for and educational and motivational tool for small children.


We're Everywhere!

Well, some members of the Institute broke their vow to never again watch American Idol. (Since we’re dedicated progressives, of course there are no consequences to such vow-breaking.)

The last contestant shown on Tuesday was a perfect candidate to become a true Postmodern Liturgist: she had a unique singing voice, a distinctive and vibrant dancing style and she even hears voices like Joan of Arc. The Gilligan-inspired outfit is a big plus too. Even though the Idol folks shunned you, we’ll gladly Gather You In!

Sunday, January 16, 2005


Marvels of Modern Science!

New technology is really wonderful! We recently received (by e-mail!) new lyrics to "I Am the Bread of Life" from a da Vinci Code perspective. Enjoy!

I'm Mary, Jesus' wife
Though I married him in a blunder
As a guy, well, he's not the worst
And when the morning comes, I always have to call him

Sometimes he won't get up
At least he don't get up
I think he won't even get up on the Last Day

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Announcing The da Vinci Coda

One of the best things to happen in recent years is the blockbuster The da Vinci Code. We want to be the first to take the opportunity to capitalize on this book’s popularity to enhance liturgy. This new supplement revises existing worship songs to reflect the truth as revealed to us by Dan Brown.

Until now this project was so secret that not even all of us knew about it – kind of like the big conspiracy in Dan’s book! Our double-secret process worked so well, though, that neither our competitors nor our detractors beat us to the punch. Please browse our samples and let us know what you think!


The da Vinci Coda – Sample #1

We didn’t think it would be possible to improve on City of God, but with a little reflection after re-reading The da Vinci Code (and some Harvey Wallbangers), we came up with this.

Awake from your slumber, come greet the new day
The latest best-seller has so much to say.
You’ll learn of symbology (Don’t tell us that’s not real!)
Our new revelation has filled us with such zeal!

So we’ll build the City of God –
Syncretistic, Feminist, Gnostic --
Since the Vatican is a big fraud,
We’ll just let Dan Brown show us the way.

The Priory of Sion, so secret, so strong,
Cunningly kept truth hidden from us all along;
But that genius da Vinci wisely left us some clues,
Now the one book we reverence is breaking the news.


Turns out Jesus was mortal, and even took a wife
So the “sacred feminine” is what should guide our life.
It was good ‘til Nicaea, where they created a creed
That restrained sexuality – that’s just not what we need!


We’re wise, we know the secret, and now you know it well -
Jesus has nothing to do with heaven or hell.
Our doctrine is convenient, don’t you suppose?
“By their fruits [and nuts] you shall know them” – we’ve got plenty of those!



The da Vinci Coda Sample #2

It is always a great challenge to write new lyrics for Marty Haugen songs, because his standards are so high. Here we’ve done what we could to make his “Gather Us In” more fully reflect Dan Brown’s truth to us.

Here in our heads a new faith is waking,
Our hearts are gladdened by what we have read;
The implications are simply earth-shaking:
Jesus Christ never arose from the dead!
Draw us all in, the naïve and the trusting;
Draw us all in, we’re mentally lame;
We once held the faith Dan Brown’s busy busting,
‘Til his revelation and fortune and fame.

Jesus, the son of Joseph and Mary,
Just like his father took himself a wife.
Mary of Magdalene did he marry,
And they had quite a tumultuous life.
Draw us all in, we’re horribly stupid;
Draw us all in, we love good romance;
We’re oh-so-happy to hear it was Cupid
That pierced Jesus’ heart, not just some soldier’s lance.

After that great big misunderstanding
On what came to be called Good Friday,
They took a cruise and ended up landing
Near the Riviera, where they chose to stay.
Draw us all in, we know zero hist’ry;
Draw us all in, we’re credulous fools.
We love the air of learning and myst’ry,
And, even more, throwing out Catholic rules.

Centuries later at the Nicene council
Repressed old men, “Fathers of the Church”
Decided the time was right to pounce “We’ll
Impose new religion, leave them in the lurch.”
Draw us all in, conspiracies beckon;
Draw us all in, while we sing this song,
It really isn’t that farfetched, I reckon,
Since it passes by all that old right-and-wrong.

The Merovingians and Priory of Sion
Still knew the truth, but they stayed under wraps.
Everyone else forever’s been lyin’
Until Leonardo left those little maps.
Draw us all in, we love to look at art;
Draw us all in, it’s just like TV.
If we read this we’ll think that we’re so smart
Even if our IQ is below eighty-three.

A few brave souls try to get the word out
About how the Church is all built on a lie,
But since they brook neither dissent nor doubt
Opus Dei assassins will make them all die!
Draw us all in, we always suspected
The Church was a scam, and now we are sure.
We’re hoping this has finally wrecked it:
Religion’s the sickness and we are the cure!


The da Vinci Coda. Sample #3

Most songs that explicitly reference the communion ritual aren’t compatible with The da Vinci Code, so we’ve rewritten “Table of Plenty” to accommodate more progressive communities.

Come to receive the body of Christ –
That’s what we call this small wafer -
It’s just a symbol in memory
Of a great husband and father.

Yes here we remember Jesus,
His mother and, of course, his wife!
The secret knowledge that we have frees us
And takes meaning away from our life.

We will have none of that old talk of sin,
Of damnation, nor of hell!
Remember the goddess is always within
Whatever we do is just swell!

We remember the martyrs who sadly
Were forced to live lives chaste and pure,
The injustice of it all grips us so madly:
Sex is always good, of that we’re sure!

We salute all the women who once chose
Abortion, as is their right.
The sacredness of their femininity shows
In this exercise of their might.

How sweet if we could show that Christ’s own wife
Had abortions back in Transalpine Gaul,
Then we could finally shout down “right to life”
And get rid of them once and for all!


The da Vinci Coda. Sample #4

One of the most popular songs in worship in our time is “On Eagle’s Wings”. We’ve prepared a text for this lilting tune that addresses some of the horrors wreaked by patriarchy.

We were raised Catholic, but we always thought there was
something fishy about that tale.
Faith in the resurrection is sometimes known to fail.

We’ve got to hide from those albino monks –
They’ll ship us out in steamer trunks
And torture us until we’ve said,
“We give! Better to be Catholic than dead!”

The saints and the martyrs, it’s so sad that they died
Believing a great big lie,
But as far as that goes, it’s better them than I.

We like the ritual. We like to come to Mass,
To see and to be seen is great!
But all that old morality is what we hate.

The feminine’s sacred, so we have come to learn,
But conspiracies thwarted that fact.
Best of all, this religion won’t tell us how to act!


The da Vinci Coda – Sample #5

One of the best facts from The da Vinci Code is the Gnostic fact – that the real story of Christianity is not the “face value” story. There’s a big secret and not everyone knows it. Be sure you’re part of the in-crowd with this song set to “I myself am the Bread of Life.”

I myself know the secret now;
You and I know the secret now;
We know about the big conspiracy
From da Vinci Code.

Jesus and his friends, especially his wife,
Weren’t really Christian, as we’d define the term.
Catholicism is a lie!

Good Friday wasn’t the day that Jesus died,
Once he had rested, they retired to France.
Catholicism is a lie!

Jesus’ descendants, the Merovingians,
And many others obscured this vital truth:
Catholicism is a lie!

The sage da Vinci, put clues in his great work
Cleverly hid them in a convent dining room:
Catholicism is a lie!

Saturday, January 08, 2005


“All Are Welcome in This Place”

As we prepare to build a bridge to the 2010s, it is incumbent upon Postmodern Liturgists to bring new resources to our worship experiences that build on the best of what we have while preparing us for the challenges ahead.

Here at The Institute for Postmodern Liturgist Resources, we are meeting that need in new and exciting ways.

Lex Orandi includes new lyrics that are meant to shape the faith and practice of the community. The name comes from a Latin phrase that means something like “people’s prayers shape their beliefs”. The use of a Latin phrase, while repugnant to us as Postmodern Liturgists, is meant to give us cover with those nasty right wingers who make our lives so miserable. Besides, we just love having something “randy” in church with us! :-)

Speaking of conservatives, I am a Daughter of Trent gives the Postmodern Liturgist a resource to use with those cranky traditionalists – the tunes and numbers correspond with tunes and numbers in other worship aids, but the words give the reader the impression that the Postmodern Liturgist may have some conservative sympathies. (Don’t worry, we know better!) We recommend that the copies of I am a Daughter of Trent be distributed to those who kneel and pray during the social time before the Gathering Song, as they’re likeliest to have the conservative problem. This should also get these potential troublemakers to start interacting during this important time for community-building. (Added bonus: the cover will be printed to acrostically spell “idiot”, so you can insult the trads all the time! Over time, maybe they’ll even become useful idiots.)

Rainbow Connection takes the best-loved Catholic hymns and brings them up-to-date in terms of sexual diversity and sensitivity. Since it shares tunes with other worship aids, it can be introduced incrementally to those members of the community who will be most receptive to it. Per the precedent set in sexual liberation generally, we’ll make the switch to the whole community gradually.

We’ve also included some Works in Progress for your review and comment.

Please remember that, as befits a community built on collaboration, all projects of the Institute are the product of committees. Just scroll down to find samples from the collection that are right for your community.


Lex Orandi. Sample #1

Some congregations still have a problem of people who aren’t utilizing proper posture and gestures as they should during communion. This didactic song is just the ticket for them! As an added bonus, it bolsters the argument for having at least twenty Eucharistic Ministers! (Tune is “Table of Plenty”)

Come up the aisle, no one stay behind
We’ve hosts and cups here a-plenty!
All must progress through these snaking lines.
No waiting at minister twenty.

Please sit until you march up here,
Then sit again once you’re through.
We can’t have anyone genuflecting
Or kneeling – that simply won't do!

You really shouldn’t be lagging
Behind in the pew, it’s uncouth.
Fasting, confessing first -- oh no! that’s dragging
Us back to the dark days of our youth!

[Important! -- following verse not for use at funerals]
Please smile, wave, converse and shake hands
With others as you’re walking by
This isn’t a funeral, we’re celebrating!
Hop to it. Hey you, look alive!

Please note: This piece in its entirety isn’t recommended for communities that have already implemented the suggestion of lit numbered signs (such as those found in grocery stores) for each Eucharistic minister, as it may cause an overload for minister #20.


Lex Orandi. Sample #2.

The acceptance of Liturgical Dance in the US has been disappointingly slow. We hope that this song (set to “Lord of the Dance”) will get things moving again. It also quietly gives witness for womyn to wield power as priests.

I swayed with the choir
when the gath’ring song was sung
Then I pranced right up the aisle
When the Sanctus bell was rung
Then I sashayed around the altar
And I danced a little more,
But I tripped over my chasuble and landed on the floor.
“I’ll be dancing everywhere, you see,
for I am Liturgical Dance.” said she
“And I’ll lead you all, whoever you may be
Into doing Liturgical Dance with me.”


Lex Orandi. Sample #3.

We really like “Lord of the Dance”, cultural diversity and progressive moral theology. This new lyric features all three!

We sang some songs in Spanish
And we sang some songs in French
Once we tried to sing Swahili,
Curiosity to quench.
But we never will sing Latin,
Not while boomers still draw breath,
Because Catholic Tradition scares us all to death!
Here in our post-modernity
We’re all about Cultural Diversity
Excluding every product of the patriarchy
Most especially in sexual morality.


Lex Orandi. Sample #4

We have found that some people don’t fully appreciate the importance of Eucharistic Ministers. This song (sung to “One Bread, One Body”) tries to remedy that sad omission.

One Bread, One Body, One family,
One chalice lifted up on high.
Then oh-so-many uncountable
Extraordinary ministers crowd the altar.

Efficiency and crowd control
Get us to brunch on time.

One Bread, One Body, One family,
One chalice lifted up on high.
Then oh-so-many uncountable
Extraordinary ministers crowd the altar.

Mystery solved: we call it “Mass”
‘Cause such a big crowd’s up front.


I am a Daughter of Trent Sample #1

We’ve tried to address many conservative complaints in one place in this lyric to be sung to “Be Not Afraid”.

You shall hear heretics preaching, but you will not lose your faith;
You shall attend invalid Masses, without intending so;
You’ll have priests tell you “That’s not a sin”, but confess it anyway.
You’re just a Catholic that’s stuck in today.

Be not afraid, remember Matthew 16
Even the gates of hell shall not prevail.

(Note: while this usage of “confess” is highly offensive to many, it’s included here as a way of earning the trust of wingnuts.)


I am a Daughter of Trent Sample #2.

Through extensive research, we’ve found that many traditionalists have a special distaste for “On Eagles’ Wings”. We’re proposing that these Trentulas be given this set of lyrics during this old favorite. (The reference to “purgatory” is, of course, only metaphorical and ironic.)

You who are sitting in a chair or in a pew
Or are standing back there by the door,
Say to the Lord, “God help me, I can’t take this any more!”

And He will drown it out with flapping things,
Unplug the mikes, break guitar strings,
Short out the speakers and the amps
And trip every circuit breaker in the box.

The hook of a show-tune will not stick in your head --
No more Hallmark hymns to fear!
Vacuous sentimentality is what you will not hear.

For He will drown it out with flapping things,
Unplug the mikes, break guitar strings,
Short out the speakers and the amps
And trip every circuit breaker in the box.

You need not fear for Schutte, Haugen or for Hass,
For GIA, For the OCP,
That boomer geezer noise is early purgatory.

Then He will drown it out with flapping things,
Unplug the mikes, break guitar strings,
Short out the speakers and the amps
And trip every circuit breaker in the box.


I am a Daughter of Trent Sample #3.

One of the more frequent complaints of some traddys is the practice of the gathered assembly singing in “the voice of God”. One of the best examples of this is “Here I am, Lord”, here modified for right-wingers.

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I will make my people cry.
When they have to sing this dreck
In “voice of God”
I who made the wind and rain,
Say today’s a day for pain
I won’t do it by myself
Whom shall I send?
“Here I am, Lord. Is it I Lord?
I will sing this as loud as I can
I’ll keep going, as long as it takes.
I will make Your people rue the day!”


Rainbow Connection.Sample #1

The purpose of Rainbow Connection is to emphasize our acceptance of sexual diversity and our nonjudgmental embrace of our sisters and brothers who are persecuted by Paternalism. We strive for authenticity by speaking truth to power about issues that are relevant today. (The tune is “Be Not Afraid”.)

You shall sleep around incessantly, but you will feel no shame.
You shall contracept as you see fit, abort when it feels right.
You can euthanize your parents and we still understand.
You’re still Catholic if you just say so.

Be not afraid, we really aren’t judgmental.
We don’t believe all that old stuff ‘bout “sin”.

If you serve as clinic escorts, we will support you in your choice.
If you march in the gay pride parade, we shall cheer as you go by.
If you feel like trying Wicca, even in the parish hall,
Know that we are with you through it all.

Be not afraid, we really aren’t judgmental.
We don’t believe all that old stuff ‘bout “sin”.


Rainbow Connection Sample #2

Since the first sample is a little narrowly drawn, we try to be more generally sex-friendly in the next sample, sung to “One Bread, One Body”.

One bed, two bodies, no rules at all.
All kinds of loving we possess.
With one, or many, or by myself
We know good sex is its own reward.

Gentle or rough, all love is free,
Woman or man or both . . .

One bed, two bodies, no rules at all.
All kinds of loving we possess.
With one, or many, or by myself
We know good sex is its own reward.

It can’t be wrong when it feels so right;
No kids, no regrets for me.

One bed, two bodies, no rules at all.
All kinds of loving we possess.
With one, or many, or by myself
We know good sex is its own reward.


Rainbow Connection Sample #3.

These verses fit “As A Fire is Meant for Burning” so well that some have asked if Marty Haugen himself wrote them. As far as we know, he didn’t. But we still find them to be a fitting enhancement to one of our all-time favorites.

As the rainbow is a symbol
Of the ending of a storm,
So the Church is a community
Where we go just to feel warm.
Not to preach old-fashioned morals,
But to show how much we care:
We will smile and wink and hug you,
Maybe kiss you, if we dare.

We are leather daddies, we are furrys,
We’re transsexual today.
We’re here, we’re queer, we have no worries:
Bi and lesbian and gay.
We will tolerate some breeders,
As long as they play by our rules,
With same-sex marriage and with giving us
Total access to their schools.

As a kind bud in a waterpipe
Gets you toasted every time,
So must we change our society -
Redefining vice and crime.
“If it feels good, just go do it!”
Making us feel bad is wrong.
Now we need to be affirmed again,
So it’s time to end this song.


Works in progress sample #1

While we find this piece, sung to Rory Cooney’s masterpiece “I Myself am the Bread of Life”, to be moving, insightful and penetrating, it may be too frank for use in most communities. Some communities may be ready to use it discreetly, as we do here at the Institute. So it’s not so much “in progress” as “progressed ahead of our time”.

I myself am why I am here.
You and I are why we are here
Now we can say we are “community”
That’s what really counts.

We come together – we come just as we are –
For affirmation
And for our self esteem
Now singing songs about ourselves.

Mortification is not the path we choose
No self-denial
For us, no sacrifice!
Just singing songs about ourselves.

We talk of Jesus, when we are in this place.
We think we’re like him
Since people mistreat us
For singing songs about ourselves.

I want communion, no one can hold me back.
No one can tell me
That I’ve done something wrong!
Let’s sing more songs about ourselves.


Works in Progress #2.

We’re also excited about our first foray into television. We’re putting together a show modeled on American Idol, but about Postmodern Liturgists. (Serves American Idol right for not allowing anyone over 25 on their stupid show!) The working title is Look at ME! I’m the Real Idol!

Return for periodic updates.


Works in Progress #3

This is a somewhat problematic work. It’s topical and affirming, but it presupposes male clergy that lack sexual satisfaction. It also implies that all of the members of the assembly would be objects of sexual desire appropriate to the pastor’s sexual orientation and it really only works if the pastor has a monosyllabic name. (It’s probably going to be restricted to used on small-group retreats and with single-sex discernment groups at the pastor’s discretion.) We’ve used the name “Bruce” here because it sounds cool. After all, who wouldn’t want the Boss in the presider’s chair? Also we’re having a tough time finishing the last line without getting a little too sexually explicit. (The tune is “Here I am, Lord”.) Because of the sensitive nature of this work in progress, it is available only by e-mail.


From our Counsel:

This site is a parody. If you needed this disclaimer to tell you that, chances are that several, if not all, of the following terms describe you: artistic, autistic, progressive, sexually liberated, baby boomer, humanist, liberal, public school graduate, pro-choice, humorless, postmodernist and intellectual. (Oh behave!)


With all due respect . . .

We are lay Catholics who try to be serious about our faith. We strive for reverence where it is due. We are sinners. Our sins are every bit as bad as the sins we mention in the parodies. The difference is that we try not to present our sins as virtues. Too many in the Church today do just that with regard to the sins mentioned in the parodies.

We take worship seriously. Scripture and Tradition tell us that how we worship is important and that our worship should represent the best we are capable of giving. Most Catholic worship today is lamentable - lacking reverence, majesty or any sense of the great purpose that is in the Holy Mass. Too often songs are selected (or altered) to advance some agenda that isn't related to Christ our Prophet, Priest and King.

We hope that these parodies might help to reduce the frequency with which the underlying songs present our brothers and sisters with heresy, temptation and/or confusion. Each song selected to be parodied displayed three criteria: (1) theological vagueness or misstatement, (2) serious aesthetic shortcomings (as to music, text or both), and (3) the capacity to be parodied. We anticipate arguments about the first two criteria for some selections and look forward to discussing these issues.

By way of illustration, we tried to parody the song "Hosea", but found its structure too difficult to work with. (Actually as soon as we started humming the tune, we'd start nodding off.) Contrarily we will not publish a parody of "We Are Many Parts, We Are All One Body", even though it would be easy to do so. Despite the awkwardness of wording and a tune that's alarmingly close to an advertising jingle from our youth, the underlying message is serious and appropriate for all Christians and there is an air of some reverence about the song.

We tried to parody "All Are Welcome in This Place", but then determined that noted progressive protestant Mr. Marty Haugen is the Maestro of parody as that song is the perfect parody of all that's wrong with Postmodern Liturgy: vague, vacuous and heretical sentiments, overwhelming triteness and a B-grade show tune air. Bravo, Mr. Haugen, Bravo.

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